In this episode of Net Net Podcast, Lizzy and Lissa break down the hidden costs – financial and otherwise – of long distance relationships. They talk about the logistics, the mental and emotional complexities, and more. Would you do a long distance relationship? Is it worth it?
In this episode of Net Net Podcast, Lizzy and Lissa break down the hidden costs – financial and otherwise – of long distance relationships. They talk about the logistics, the mental and emotional complexities, and more. Would you do a long distance relationship? Is it worth it?
Main Topics
00:00 Introduction and Personal Stories
01:20 Runnin’ The Numbers Segment
03:05 Financial and Emotional Costs
08:35 Transitioning and Personal Experiences
21:30 The Emotional Cost of Long-Distance Relationships
22:34 Story Time: Love and Legalities
26:31 Navigating the Challenges of LDRs
38:48 20 Cents Segment
References for Statistics
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/the-pros-and-cons-of-being-in-a-long-distance-relationship/
Lissa: All right. Tell me why I spent $8,000 in international flights to see Allan, my fiancé, before we lived together, before we got engaged.
Lizzy: Man, tell me why I dated someone on the other side of the country, but couldn't handle dating someone on the other side of L.A.
Lissa: Nah. West L.A. to Pasadena is called a long distance relationship.
Lissa: Yeah, that's geographically unattractive. So, are long distance relationships worth it? Let's talk about it.
Lissa: Welcome to Net Net with Lizzy and Lissa, where we analyze hidden costs and empower you to make your own damn decisions in life. Each episode covers a different facet of life, and at the end of each episode, we give our takes on whether something is net positive or net negative.
Lizzy: I'm Lizzy, a strategist and consultant with almost 20 years of experience in finance and investing.
Lissa: And I'm Lissa, an Accredited Financial Counselor and personal finance content creator. We're best friends who talk about money and everything else.
Lizzy: First up, let's run the numbers. on long distance relationships.
Lissa: So I already mentioned how I spent $8,000 on flights in an 18 month span before my fiance and I lived in the same country.
Lizzy: But was it worth it? So according to a 2018 study, 60 percent of long distance relationships are successful. Yep. That's not bad. That's not bad. Seems solid.
Lissa: We are successful. Interestingly, another study says that 37 percent of long distance relationships break up within three months of becoming geographically close.
Lizzy: Alright, so the long distance was the appeal. That's what held it together. The long distance is what held the relationship together. That's what held it together. But we all know there's more to life than just numbers and data. So let's talk about it. Are long distance relationships worth it?
Lissa: There’s a lot to unpack here.
Lissa: I guess let's start with the financial costs because, yeah, let's go, let's go. Yeah. Because that plays a big role. So, like I said, mine was kind of, I wouldn't say unique. Cause I hear about stories like this all the time, but it was a little different because We lived on different continents. I lived in Los Angeles and Allan lived in the UK, which is almost like crazy to think about.
Lissa: Like, why would someone even be in a relationship that far away?
Lizzy: Yeah, but y'all, y'all did it. But that's a good point because I think the average distance is like 125 miles. So overall, most people in long distance relationships are somewhat geographically close, you know, within a few hours driving, driving, yeah.
Lizzy: But even so, right. So you have the cost of traveling back and forth. That's the number one big financial cost. Um, If you were in a serious relationship, you have the cost of multiple households, right? Where you otherwise might be cohabitating like you guys did when Allan finally moved here. Um, one thing I think people don't realize when they enter into a long distance relationship is you tend to treat those visits like a vacation.
Lizzy: It's just human nature, you haven't seen each other, there's so much you want to do and experience, so you're trying to cram so much into a short time that you're going to go out more, you're going to go out to eat, you're going to do things you wouldn't necessarily normally do on an average weekend. As an established couple and that comes with a cost.
Lissa: Yeah, because yeah, like you said, you're going on dates, multiple dates in a week span or however long a weekend span. Whereas when, if you're in the same geographic location, you might go on a date. If even once a week, right? For sure, yeah. Maybe not even, you do a week's without it, or you might just, you know, relax and watch a show.
Lissa: Yeah, relax at home. It doesn't feel like, oh, it's time wasted if we're just sitting here doing nothing in the same room together. For sure.
Lizzy: Yeah, I was in a long distance relationship for about six months. Uh, on the East Coast going back and forth to D.C. And I think we went to like, three Wizards games. We went to the movies.
Lizzy: Like, we were doing all kinds of stuff. And it was like, this, it was fun. Yeah. But it, it wasn't real life. It wasn't real life. It wasn't real life. And that's kind of getting into the other costs that aren't quite financial. What are the costs of a, a long distance relationship aside from the money? Well, time.
Lissa: Yeah. Right? You, like we just said, like you're, you're, you feel like you're on vacation almost. Not all the time, but when you're visiting someone else, you are taking time away from your regular life, which for me, I love a good routine. Like in order for me to go to the gym regularly, like I have to not have a ton of travel in between.
Lissa: And not just that, eating regularly, right? You buy groceries, but then you're going to go. out of town, or wherever it may be, and then come back, your groceries have spoiled. And again, I guess that's more of a financial cost.
Lizzy: For sure, for sure. Yeah.
Lissa: But I still think the time traveling and disrupting your regular flow of life.
Lizzy: And I think even time when you're apart, because when you live in close proximity, it's easy to grab, you know, if you don't live together, it's easy to grab things that 30 minutes, an hour, right? We're going to just go on, like get coffee. We're going to go to lunch. We're going to have a quick date. We're just going to, we had long, busy days.
Lizzy: We're just going to sleep next to each other. Right. And that's your quality time. It's not necessarily dedicated. Solely focused on that person. When you have a long distance relationship, you have to make time to talk to them every night or to FaceTime or you know, your time is not, we happen to be next to each other doing a shared activity.
Lizzy: We're not working next to each other on the computer. It is focused time on that person, and often it's more time. Then you might invest in that person if they lived closer. I just thought of that.
Lissa: The amount of like FaceTime and phone calls that I was on when we were long distance, because even though you're in your respective homes and cities or wherever it may be, you want to give each other enough time to catch up on the small things, medium things, big things.
Lissa: And that takes a You know time and having to be focused. I mean, I'm sure some guys will play Call of Duty while they're on the phone You know, but in general, it's different like you you want to dedicate some time talking to your person your partner And that, again, takes away from your day to day life.
Lizzy: For sure. You know, you even made me think of another financial cost, which is when you're apart from that person, you can't show your affection for them physically, right? So a lot of people go outside of their normal kind of love languages. By sending gifts, by trying to, um, provide acts of service from afar, right?
Lizzy: So it's common to spend more money on those types of things, sending flowers, you know, sending someone Uber Eats or something just to show them that you care, cause you can't be physically present to show them. And that's an additional cost that you might not normally have.
Lissa: Well, now I guess everyone has, like, free minutes on their phone and stuff, it's not a thing.
Lissa: It's the weekends, girl. But, okay, but back in the day, okay, not to age us, but back in the day, like, you had to be really strategic. You had to be stingy. You had to be stingy with your minutes and when you talked. like, alright, nah, after nine o'clock we can talk, unless we're on the same plan or whatever it was.
Lizzy: Oh, I got stories. I got my very first phone taken away when I was 14 years old. I went way over the minutes. It’s not even a thing now.
Lissa: It's not even a thing. So I guess it, I guess it depends. Like now there's, there's ways around it. We have the internet, but you know, back on the time thing, I feel like you, I don't know about you, but I used to text my partner more when we were long distance because you want to feel connected more as much as you can.
Lissa: Now I see him all the time. So I'm like, I'm trying to get away.
Lizzy: It's different. Yeah. My last relationship, we started not really long distance, but we lived about an hour apart. I was living in Orange County, south of L.A., and he was living right in the city. Um, so we didn't see each other every day. We saw each other on the weekends, eventually like three, four nights a week.
Lizzy: Um, but we would text so much more. And an interesting thing about that is if you have a partner who's not especially verbally expressive, when you're in that part of the relationship, you might. Get more out of them because they're texting and then transitioning to seeing them every day. They don't express those same things.
Lizzy: So that was something unique to my experience. It wasn't an issue It was just interesting because yeah, we would text more because we didn't see each other and sometimes we'd have different conversations or It's easier in certain ways to express certain feelings to be vulnerable And it just is a different dynamic to your relationship and then you have to transition Let's talk about that.
Lizzy: Let's talk about the transition .
Lissa: So, like I mentioned, my current partner, Allan, we’ve lived together now for a little over a year. But prior to that, we did long distance, cross country, cross continent for 18 months. Let me tell you about that transition. It was like he was a different person, but he probably thought the same thing about me.
Lissa: Because, so, the prop that I brought today on this table for those watching on video is this game. It's a card game that couples can play and it's to get to know each other. It's a bunch of questions. The homegirl Salima hooked it up when I first started dating Allan. Because she was like, You know, stay connected, like have something to do.
Lissa: So we would do these cards, we would ask the questions and we would spend hours on the phone, usually it would be my evening and his, so that's another thing, time zone, big time zone difference. So his, his, or my evening and his, morning right before he went to work and we would, you know, ask these questions and stuff.
Lissa: Um, we got to know each other on a very deeper level. Like I would say that as a, uh, maybe an upside to long distance because we were forced to find ways to like keep the conversation flowing. Um, there was never a dull moment, but it was, you know, it's very different than now nowadays when we're together all the time.
Lissa: We talk about more mundane things, but when do we, when do we talk about, When you dig deep. Yeah, dig deep or, or talk about aliens or things like that, right? Like it has to be real special deep moments, but like on the phone, Sure. You go there.
Lizzy: So that's so interesting that you said that. So Lissa and I both studied communications at UCLA and one of the classes that We, I assume both took is interpersonal communication and you learn that there's two ways that people build intimacy.
Lizzy: One is through shared activities, right? We're going to go play ball together. We're going to go watch a movie together. We're doing something together, but we're not necessarily discussing what's happening or the, the conversation is often fairly surface level. The second way is mutual self disclosure.
Lizzy: That's dialogue, that's revealing intimate things about yourself to that other person, and that builds trust and intimacy. And when you're in a long distance relationship, you can't really do the shared activity. You can try and like watch a show together, or you know, kind of do things on the phone at the same time, but you're not, it's not the same.
Lizzy: So you are reliant on on mutual self disclosure. And in some ways that can build a deeper connection. But it's interesting because not everyone is used to that. You, if you look across relationships, friendships for example, you tend to find that women engage in mutual self disclosure more so and men, um, usually are comfortable with shared activities, right?
Lizzy: They're going to go golfing. They're going to go, you know, have a beer and they can go, you know, meet up with the homies and not find out a single thing about their current lives. And it's just a different way of relating. No, one isn't better than the other, but making that transition to, we have had this intimacy And known all of these deep things about each other to now, we are just integrating our lives and sharing life together can be a tough transition.
Lissa: So just in general, I mean, obviously we both have our experiences, but why would there's so many costs to this long distance relationship? Why would someone choose that life? Why would someone want this?
Lizzy: All right, I have my real, my real, real answer and you have your romantic answer. I think that long distance relationships appeal to this kind of inner romantic notion that your person is out there, that maybe you found them and you, you know, you have something special that you want to pursue it.
Lizzy: I also, on a very deep level, think that for certain people. It masks a fear of commitment that maybe they don't even know they have and when I say they I mean me Because I have recently looked back and realized I found myself pursuing things that were probably never going to work out In order to get that feeling of romance and the hope without actually having to, to do the real commitment because it probably wasn't going to work.
Lizzy: And so I didn't have to face my fears around that or what it would mean or, you know, um, would they leave or, you know, those deep inner things that a lot of us have, you know, abandonment or, or whatever. Um, and I think that that is common. I've seen that in other friends as well. This, um, idea where you can have both.
Lizzy: Um, and, and for some people it is literally that. It's I have the independence of my life with the intimacy and companionship of a relationship. And that can actually be a benefit. You know, it can be nice to navigate that.
Lissa: I liked that part of long distance. Obviously I wanted to be with him all the time, but it was like, I could be on my routine, like I mentioned earlier.
Lissa: I could go to the gym at the same time, eat my same meals. It was like one less person to have to think about when I'm deciding where to eat.
Lizzy: Sure. It's kind of that middle ground. You get the benefits of a partner without all of the things that come with it, which again can make that transition if you ultimately make it.
Lizzy: A little bit harder, right? Because you haven't necessarily been engaged in a full relationship. All right, but what about you? What went into your decision to pursue a long distance relationship?
Lissa: Well, Allan wasn't my first long distance relationship. I had one out of high school into college because I moved away for college.
Lissa: And then I had, randomly, I had a couple of, long distance situationships, which in hindsight, like net negative, net negative, the dumbest thing. Net negative on that. But in the lead up to before me and Allan getting together long distance, Los Angeles to London, we actually knew each other. We had met years prior and for different reasons, It was a different time in our lives.
Lissa: We chose not to pursue anything. We were friends. We lived, at that time he lived in New York, and I lived in Los Angeles, and we connected a few times, but neither one of us in that stage of our lives were ready and willing to jump into a situation where it was long distance. Sure. So it obviously ended up working out because we remained friends and then pandemic hit and like, you know, you start talking more with people that you care about, which is what ended up happening when I was able to travel.
Lissa: For the, like 2021, the first thing I did was go see him in London. And then we've been together ever since.
Lizzy: Girl. You loved him.
Lissa: Okay. I always knew, I always knew he was it, but like, I was not choosing a long distance relationship for a long time because of past experiences told me no, because where I was in my life at that time was no, I want companionship.
Lissa: I want someone around me. I don't want to deal with that. I can't pinpoint one reason what. Right. Made me say, all right, let's try this. Let's do this. But I can say that the LA Los Angeles dating pool for me was not it. I dated a lot. Like I was single a lot of years. in my adulthood. Like I had, uh, I dated here and there.
Lissa: I had situationships. I had a boyfriend every so often, but like for the most part, I was single, dating unsuccessfully. So when I had this person that I already knew that, It was so dope, and we had such a connection, and the one thing lacking was the geographic distance. It made sense. Luckily, it was at a point in my life where I actually had the money to travel.
Lissa: For sure. I would have never done it if like, oh, I can see you once a year because I can only afford one international flight a year. No, no, no. I had actually the money at that point
Lizzy: to do it. Right. And I think that's, That's a really important consideration of the timing of it, because another thing I think people, if you're going to go into this, you usually only pursue a long distance relationship if there's a possibility of it ending in terms of the distance ending, right?
Lizzy: Is there a realistic likelihood that we could live near each other in the future? Otherwise, what's the point?
Lizzy: We don't want to do this indefinitely. And that may not be the case for everyone. And that's ultimately my, uh, one of my long distance relationships. I've only had a couple, but, um, you know, when I was dating someone in DC, the timing just didn't make sense for our lives and where the level of seriousness our relationship was at to make that move.
Lizzy: And then the costs of the distance began to wear on it. And it, it just kind of unraveled. Um, whereas, you know, if circumstances were different. You have no idea, but that's just the reality of those situations. And so I think the, the requirements. For under what circumstances would you be willing to engage in a long distance relationship are really key factors, right?
Lizzy: Where you're at in your life. Do you have job flexibility? Do you have financial freedom? Is there? Are you desperate? Are you desperate? Is it time? Are you just done with these
Lissa: LA? Or whatever city you're at. I feel like big cities, it's tough to, it's tough to date sometimes. Sometimes it's because there's too many options.
Lissa: Everybody's got options. Right. Everybody thinks they've got better options. Yeah. So they're just waiting for the next option. But then you go to a smaller city, there's not enough options. There's not enough options. So, there's a, it's like a weird mix of what leads to You to say okay to one, but again, like that's, it's your, everyone's lives are unique and this is going to be changing.
Lissa: Like I would not have done a long distance relationship, like, I don't know, maybe 10 years ago. Sure. But obviously five years ago, four or five years ago, I did.
Lizzy: So when you and Allan, after you went out there again, I know the story intimately after you guys decided All right, like we're a thing, we are doing this.
Lizzy: What were the kind of structural requirements you put around it to make this work?
Lissa: So initially, we didn't call the relationship, like immediately that, that first visit. But what we did say at the end of it was, okay. What is our plan to see each other within the next three months? Unfortunately, at that time, so this was July, 2021.
Lissa: At that time, people from the UK could not come to the US. It was a travel ban because of Covid. So it was on me to travel again.
Lissa: If I remember correctly, he was ready and willing to pitch in or pay for my flight. Um, I had a ton of miles also, but it was also is finding the time and the energy.
Lizzy: Again, that's leaving your routine, taking time off work, unless you have a really flexible situation. It is disruptive to your day to day life, even if it's a wonderful thing to experience.
Lissa: Just reminded me. So around that time, and this is the emotional cost. So right before my next trip to visit him. So LA to London, I got hit by a car as a pedestrian and it derailed my entire life, even up to now.
Lissa: I just finished physical therapy. But at that time. I had roommates, I had friends help, you know, come take care of me. You guys were the best, but to not have my partner, I wanted him there to just, you know, help me get to the bathroom and like, you know, like get me my food, hug me, be there for me. And he would have easily, like, come, but it just happened to be when there was a travel ban, so he couldn't be there.
Lissa: So not only was there like a long distance relationship there, but there was like, you know, legal policies in the way of it that we had to navigate. And we're, let me, don't even get me started on that. We're, we're different. We're citizens of different countries.
Lizzy: How about we get started on that? Cause I got, I wanna, story time!
Lizzy: Story time. Story time! You got a story? It's story time! Tell us. Oh, only 19 years old. 20? 20 years old. Uh, fell in love with a, uh, basketball player, um, who was here born in Cameroon, grew up in France and was here as a student athlete, uh, on an international student visa. Um, and so we dated for several years.
Lizzy: I moved out of LA for him, um, ending our long distance relationship. He was on the East Coast. Yeah, he was, uh, so I was in LA for finishing school my senior year of UCLA. Um, he was first in New York and then in West Virginia, which I was not about to move to. I went to Pittsburgh. Um, but interestingly, part of the, the distance in that situation, For better or for worse, now I look back on it differently, but it changed my plans.
Lizzy: I had, in college I had lived abroad. Um, I had all this excitement for what I wanted to do after getting my undergraduate degree. But because I was in this relationship, I took him into consideration. And For better or for worse, it changed what my options were. Now I look back on that and I wish I hadn't made those changes, but I did.
Lizzy: So I went to grad school in Pittsburgh to be close to him, so thereby somewhat ending the long distance. It was still like an hour and a half between he and I and then, you know, he would come during the week and stay for a few nights. But here's where it gets wild. So, uh, Ultimately, he finished playing basketball, he was no longer a student, and was going to have to go back to France.
Lizzy: You guys didn't think of that beforehand? I don't think we knew where it would go, um, or where I would be, or what the circumstances were. And you were young. We were young, you know? We were young. So at that point we'd been together for two or three years, and we'd been living together for a while. It was my first very serious relationship.
Lizzy: So, you know, of course I'm like, well, we were going to get married someday, but you know, I was very much pressured, um, even though it wasn't what I wanted. And ultimately we got married because the cost of a long distance relationship, a cost of your person being deported is a significant cost. And I didn't know how to handle the situation at the time.
Lizzy: Um, and you know, it was a real relationship. Green card marriage, real relationship. Um, and so went through that entire process of, of green card and citizenship. Um, and ultimately it didn't work out. Uh, we got divorced, but the, Distance was the driving factor in ultimately changing the entire course of my life, the entire course of my life.
Lizzy: I'm fortunate and really blessed that it happened and I had that experience because it taught me so much. It was like my first failure and it changed my entire worldview. It changed everything about who I am. Um, so that experience was really transformative and powerful for me. Thank you. But it never would have happened if it wasn't for distance.
Lissa: Yeah, because you were preventing, you were long distance, then you weren't, and then in order to prevent another long distance phase, intercontinental long distance relationship, you made a decision.
Lizzy: At 21 or 22 years old, when I certainly didn't have the means to navigate that.
Lissa: So that guided your decision.
Lizzy: Absolutely. It was the biggest factor. Yeah. Interesting. Costs. Yeah.
Lissa: Costly. Yeah. Well, so similarly, at this point, going back to my, to my story in 2021, travel ban, Allan can't come to see me, but we decide we're going to see each other every three months, which meant me traveling there a couple of times, which is how I ended up raking up this $8,000 bill that I mentioned.
Lissa: But that became, on the emotional side. a requirement for me and for him too, but it came out of my mouth where I was like, I'm not going more than three months without seeing you. So something's got to happen. We actually ended up for that next trip after that meeting up in Mexico, in Cancun. Oh, I forgot about that.
Lissa: Yeah, we went to a friend's wedding, but it was a perfect opportunity for us. A place that we could both travel to. There was no ban. And so we got to see each other then. So we made it work like 18 months of this back and forth. And then finally that travel ban was lifted and he was able to come visit me.
Lissa: But even then, It was a whole process of figuring out who's moving to which country, how, you know, how's he going to get a visa? He has a work visa, which is great. And, you know, now we're not long distance, but we had to go through that phase and I guess we're one of those that made it.
Lizzy: iSure. And talk a little bit more about what is that emotional experience like when you have your partner who you love, like you have that attachment, that is your person and you can't be with them.
Lissa: So twofold. One is obviously like you want to be with your person, like physical touch, like you want to do shared activities, do things together. So that was hard, I think, because I knew where it was headed. I knew we wanted to be together. So I knew that eventually we would be in the same geographical location.
Lissa: It didn't hit me as hard. What actually hit me harder were those moments when I was, down in the dumps. Yeah. So like I mentioned, like getting hit by a car. All right. You want a story time? Story time. Story time. It's story time. So another story that happened in our first year of dating was we had a stalker.
Lissa: We had a stalker. You forgot. And this was like, if anyone has seen Baby Reindeer or You on Netflix, like it wasn't as crazy as like a killer, I mean at least not yet, she hasn't killed anyone that I know of, but it was a situation where I was getting harassed by this person daily, constantly, um, it was a person that Allan knows in real life, That they used to live in the same like apartment complex or something and she really wanted him.
Lissa: Obsessed. Obsessed. And the second she found out who I was, like, oh, he has a girlfriend or he has this, you know, this person in his life, I was harassed daily.
Lizzy: We're talking fake accounts on all socials, one after the other, comments. Yes.
Lissa: And this was the same time that Wealth for Women of Color started growing on TikTok.
Lissa: So it was like, I'm a public, well, okay, I'm a public persona. Like, you know, I was posting publicly. It was part of my business. I was putting my face out there. I was trying to teach finance, um, in videos online. And every day that I go online, I see comments and I don't know if it's a comment from someone saying, Oh, thank you for making that video about investing or, uh, bitch, I'm with your man right now in his bed.
Lissa: It was like, and even though I knew, I knew that like, There was never any question that Allan was, like, cheating or doing anything crazy, like, I knew we were together. It still took a toll on me, that, of course, then the worst part is she would do it when people in the UK were sleeping, so, like, 2, 3 a. m. So, when she would do it, I couldn't call Allan like we got to the point in our relationship where I was so distraught that I told him like now you can't put your phone on silent like you have to be ready for me to call just in case.
Lissa: And he gladly did it. But I I felt bad. I wasn't gonna wake him up every morning when I knew he had to go to work the next day. So it was like my lifeline. Like if I knew it was that bad and I was It made me cry like something really hurt me. It was intense. You know, I could always call you call one of my other friends But if I really needed him he'd pick up he was there but that emotional toll it was it was the times when Like I got these are just crazy stories.
Lissa: I got hit by a car. I had a stalker. Like these times when You just want to be with your person and feel safe and secure.
Lissa: The times that made it the hardest and it probably accelerated like, all right, I'm not doing this for another year. Like less who's moving, where am I moving there? Are you moving here?
Lissa: And it, it kind of forced us to have those discussions, not prematurely, but probably in an accelerated fashion.
Lizzy: Yeah. I think that's pretty common is you're going through this experience and it takes its toll, right? Because. Your feelings are so strong for that person because you want this life together, you envision it, and you both can't wait for that to happen.
Lizzy: It's really common. And sometimes that doesn't work out, right? Sometimes that results, like we saw in the stats, of people making that choice prematurely before, or not having the foundation. of their relationship set because of the challenges of a long distance relationship. You don't necessarily know all the, you know, little habits that are gonna drive you out of your damn mind when they get there, or
Lissa: Like folding a wet towel instead of letting it air dry.
Lissa: Sorry, sorry, sorry. I had to put that. But it's like those tiny things that you, you, yeah, um
Lizzy: You learn in a different order. You don't have an integrated life yet. And when you have to build that, it's like starting over and that's a challenging thing to do with someone you already know so well and you already feel like your relationship is at, you know, this point and then you have to take that step back.
Lizzy: So, you know, it takes, that is a cost as well of ending the long distance relationship, which kind of comes with its own set of costs, right? Moving. Yeah. Intercontinental moves, significant costs.
Lissa: It puts a lot on the relationship, like, to be successful because if one person is uprooting their life and I know this happens, a lot of people have to do this, right?
Lissa: One person has to decide to move or both of you move to a brand new location and start a life together or you break up. So it, it's a big decision to make. And I think like, let's give credit to those who have made that decision because it's an emotional toll and a lot of back and forth, you guys, you know, have to be on the same page.
Lissa: Right. Otherwise, there'll be resentment. Like if, if one person moves cross country or even if it's a hundred miles away and resents it.
Lizzy: What does that entail, right? So you often are leaving your, your job, you're changing jobs, you're maybe selling property if you have it, you're certainly finding a new place to live or, or cohabitating, you're leaving your community, right?
Lizzy: So your grocery store, your barber shop, I remember that was a tough one for Allan to find a new barber shop here. Your, um, your doctors, which is a big consideration for you and deciding not to move your entire life infrastructure is within your community, not to mention your friends, your family, just your normal way of life you are letting go of.
Lizzy: And that is a significant cost and a huge commitment. Uh, and you know, very generous, certainly of the person that's going to make that move, uh, but it cannot be entered into lightly. And if you are. early in a long distance relationship or about to embark on one, if you can already see the writing on the wall that, you know, neither of you would be willing.
Lizzy: To move in the future, then what's the point? You know, when I was in, in one in the past, when he lived in DC, he worked in government, there was no chance that he was going to leave. So it would have been on me and, you know, fortunately I have a flexible career, but at the same time that came with a cost to him.
Lizzy: I don't want to be responsible for that person uprooting their life if it doesn't work out. And that's fair, that's very respectable.
Lissa: Well, why do you think I'm not in London right now? It's that exact same reason, I believe. Yeah. Which I didn't have a problem with. But now that Allan's made the move and had to transition to living in California, I probably would have struggled in the UK, you know, I'm open to it now. Like we have a shared life together now, but I've lived in California my entire life. So you do have to think of that. There's a, I guess you can call it a grieving process, right? You're you're losing your immediate surroundings, your routine, your friends, your family.
Lissa: In, in respect to like geographic location,
Lizzy: Even your culture in the case of the two of you, you know, just the, the additional levels of, you know, being, Allan being British and coming into not just the United States, but California and LA, like the layers of subculture. Yep. Right. Um, Navigating, finding a place where he can watch his football team.
Lizzy: Well, he's had to learn how to drive on the other side of the road. Driving on the other side of the road.
Lissa: The language, you know. He hates that, um, when we go to Costco and it says Tire Center, they spell tire with an I. We spell it with an I. They spell it T-Y-R-E. Yeah, so there's so many little things.
Lissa: It's, it's lovely too though, right? Like, we get to be engrossed in different cultures and learn from each other. But, I can't imagine, I mean. Someday, when I move, like, I will know what it feels like to have to reacclimate to a new culture and location. But for now, like, I'm trying to be, like, very understanding for him when, you know, when he struggles in this new environment.
Lissa: Um, but, like, I love him for doing it. Like, that's a big, major move, major move, major move. He's the best. So, real quick, we had mentioned at the beginning that 37 percent of long distance relationships break up within three months of, of finally being in the same place. Why do you think that is?
Lizzy: I think it's because reality comes crashing in, right?
Lizzy: It's easy when you're in a long distance relationship to idealize the situation. You only see certain parts of your partner, right? Like You may have never like seen them in the bathroom, right? Or, you know, you're only getting glimpses. It is a curated version of that person often, um, because they want to put their best foot forward because you don't see each other a lot.
Lizzy: And it comes from a place of good intentions, but then when reality hits, your lifestyles may not be compatible. You may drive each other crazy. You may find that you actually don't have the foundational Components that make a relationship strong, um, or that when you're presented with that person live and in person, you just don't feel the same way that you thought you would, what do you think?
Lissa: I think that's spot on because I know we talk a lot about money and finances on this show, but for this one, even though there is a financial component, I think a lot of it goes back to bigger emotional, mental struggles.
Lizzy: Not to mention navigating that transition, right? I mean, Last year, you guys went through a lot, right?
Lizzy: With Allan making the move, as we just discussed, uprooting his whole life and having to navigate all of those changes. Like there were just so many things getting bank accounts, like every little thing comes with stressors. And that can be a lot for any couple to navigate, especially all at once, even the most established couples.
Lizzy: Those things take their toll. So I think it's, it's just a lot. And people don't always prepare with the end in mind in, in those relationships and start to try to lay that groundwork as best they can, or really. Take a sober look at it before they make those decisions. And you know, sometimes it just doesn't work out.
Lizzy: Yeah. All right
Lissa: 20 cents! 20 cents is the segment of the show where both Lizzy and myself Lissa Get 60 seconds to give our two cents on today's topic whether we think it's a net positive or a net negative Where does 20 cents come from? Because you get the opinion of two dimes. Every time I hear that it gets cheesier and cheesier.
Lissa: All right, so are long distance relationships worth it? Liz, you got 60 seconds on the clock.
Lizzy: For me, at this point in my life, long distance relationships are not worth it. I've done it multiple times, and as I mentioned, I've realized that I think that was Somewhat of a crutch for me or an impediment to developing like the truly healthy relationship that I would want to have, um, that has that integrated life and commitment.
Lizzy: So I personally would be nervous if I met someone, you know, on a trip that that's actually what I would be pursuing. I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons. Um, and that's unique to me, right? Having learned and knowing myself, that's just not worthy of my time at this point as I get. Later in life and would want to be looking for something really meaningful with a high likelihood of success if I'm going to pursue something at all.
Lizzy: So I think from an investment standpoint, it's not worth the investment. Net negative. Net negative for you. What about you, Lissa? What'd you think? Are long distance relationships worth it?
Lissa: So, we've talked about it all episode. I have a success story. Long distance relationship. Cross continent. Cross country.
Lissa: Uh, not cross country. International. And we're getting married next year. I. Would. Not. Do it again. I am so happy it worked out. It worked out the way it did. I'm happy that we navigated those 18 months and now he's you know, hopefully my forever person, but given that emotional toll, you know, it's not even the finances to be honest.
Lissa: Like I was, you know, blessed and grateful to be at a point where I can afford a long distance relationship financially, but it was the emotional toll. I don't think I'd put myself through that again. So for me at this point in my life and hopefully for the rest of my life, net negative.
Lizzy: Damn. Well, you're not even going to have to make that
Lissa: choice.
Lizzy: You're not going to have to do it again. Been there, done that.
Lissa: You got a winner, right? So remember this is what we think we're both net negative on long distance relationships at this moment in time But can't nobody make that decision but you but you so what do you think are long distance relationships worth it?
Lizzy: Hit us up. Let us know what you think you can dm us on instagram at net net podcast or email us at Hi at net net podcast. com and if you want to follow us individually, you can find us on twitter At
Lissa: I am at Wealth for Women of Color on TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram,
Lizzy: …and I am at Live Well Lizzy, with underscores in between on TikTok and Instagram.
Lizzy: Let us know what you think are long distance relationships worth it
Lissa: All references, statistics, and resources mentioned can be found in our show notes. This podcast is for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only, and should not be constituted as financial advice. Remember to always do your own research, consult a professional as needed, and feel empowered to make your own damn decisions.